Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.