some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
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magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom