Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
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If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.