If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.