This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
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*Ouija board begins spelling*
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”
When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*