@IamEnidColeslaw

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

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@squirrel74wkgn

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

@crylenol

*Ouija board begins spelling*
H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E
“Ooooh, spooky”
G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”

@TheMongoose69

When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.

@simoncholland

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

@Jake_Vig

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

@pilau

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

@slimmy_shady

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

@Rollinintheseat

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”