Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
my dog when i have a friend over
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?