Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
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Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Carpe DM
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…