Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
accurate
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.