Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
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Dude just wanted a popsicle…
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
RT if you could go either way.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this