@om_eye_goodness

some dude asked if i wanted him to bon me and i thought he was talking about Cinnabon so i said yes and he sent me a photo of his genitals and now i know he made a typo and i shouldn’t be on twitter when i’m hungry.

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@QwertyJones3

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

@punmagnate

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

@OctopusCaveman

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

@mrnickharvey

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

@amydillon

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

@ACartoonCat

Interviewer: Under special skills you’ve listed a few skills…mending things?

Me: Yep I fix stuff

Interviewer: Lending things?

Me: I’m very generous

Interviewer: Blending things?

Me: I make the best smoothies

Interviewer:…and rhyming

Me: *puts on sunglasses*

@Quartzjixler

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

@envydatropic

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me