@SaraThomas84
If my phone is so “smart” how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex
@om_eye_goodness
some dude asked if i wanted him to bon me and i thought he was talking about Cinnabon so i said yes and he sent me a photo of his genitals and now i know he made a typo and i shouldn’t be on twitter when i’m hungry.
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@SaraThomas84
@itsonlyzach
Pregnant – Beyonce
Pregnant with twins – Beytwice
@ArfMeasures
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
@WilliamAder
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
@fillthevacuum
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
@Blarebare
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
@MooseAllain
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
@murrman5
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
@GrowlyGrego
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
@coryrichardson_
[at wife’s office party]
wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille
me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie