some dude asked if i wanted him to bon me and i thought he was talking about Cinnabon so i said yes and he sent me a photo of his genitals and now i know he made a typo and i shouldn’t be on twitter when i’m hungry.

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If my phone is so “smart” how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex


SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share


What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?


I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.


Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.


*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute


Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”


Perplexed in Poughkeepsie


[at wife’s office party]

wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille

me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie