@om_eye_goodness

some dude asked if i wanted him to bon me and i thought he was talking about Cinnabon so i said yes and he sent me a photo of his genitals and now i know he made a typo and i shouldn’t be on twitter when i’m hungry.

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@SaraThomas84

If my phone is so “smart” how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex

@ArfMeasures

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

@WilliamAder

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

@Blarebare

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

@murrman5

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

@GrowlyGrego

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

@coryrichardson_

[at wife’s office party]

wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille

me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie