@WinningByARose

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

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@3sunzzz

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

@Sassafrantz

If you go to the zoo and he doesn’t help you steal a monkey, he’s not that into you.

@pinupteacher

The confused head tilt your dog does but me when someone asks me if I want fries or salad.

@schumoo

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

@TommyRainmaker

everything I know about british people was learned from watching Mr Bean and honestly I’ve seen enough

@MsKitty101

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

@Smooheed

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

@Pumpkinbabypie

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.