Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

You Might Also Like



~me, drunk, at a wax museum


If you go to the zoo and he doesn’t help you steal a monkey, he’s not that into you.


The confused head tilt your dog does but me when someone asks me if I want fries or salad.


This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.


everything I know about british people was learned from watching Mr Bean and honestly I’ve seen enough


For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.


I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders


Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.