Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
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You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom