*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
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Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I love the National Park Service.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.