@Elizasoul80

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

You Might Also Like

@KaliciaBo

“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”

My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.

@daemonic3

them (dumb idoits): remember to drink 8 glasses of water each day

me (smart person of scionce): remember to drink 16 glasses of H and 8 glasses of O each day

@TheDairylandDon

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

@Browtweaten

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

@neiltyson

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

@eedrk

girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train

@PetrickSara

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

@citizenkawala

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this