@GorillaNipples1
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
@Elizasoul80
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
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@GorillaNipples1
@whoszachkolberg
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
@KaliciaBo
“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”
My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.
@daemonic3
them (dumb idoits): remember to drink 8 glasses of water each day
me (smart person of scionce): remember to drink 16 glasses of H and 8 glasses of O each day
@TheDairylandDon
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
@Browtweaten
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
@neiltyson
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
@eedrk
girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train
@PetrickSara
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
@citizenkawala
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this