Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
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My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”
My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.
them (dumb idoits): remember to drink 8 glasses of water each day
me (smart person of scionce): remember to drink 16 glasses of H and 8 glasses of O each day
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this