Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING