SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
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when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.