Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Turn off autocorrect?
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*