Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”