@ceejoyner

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

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@theyearofelan

Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”

@SortaBad

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

@lcwf70

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

@impaulmccoy

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

@ElizaBayne

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

@Cheeseboy22

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

@HavocMantis

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent