Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
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Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂