Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.