You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
You Might Also Like
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie