Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
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Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
where the womens at?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time