some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday

friends: nice. what if we sang u a song about it while we stare at u

guy: i would hate it

friends: oh ya we would too

guy: perfect let’s do that forever

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I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.


Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.


I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.


I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.


I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks


I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”


Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.


14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal


hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair