[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
You Might Also Like
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place