[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
🤣
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My neck my back my allergy attack
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.