It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?
Husband: One British girl.
*wife returns from London*
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂
Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.