Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

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CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.


Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants


My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.


[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?


ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u


Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.


I get confused by Burqas. I accidentally posted a letter in a Muslim woman yesterday.


I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.


My father in law is one of those “deep sigh until someone asks what’s wrong” kind of women.