@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

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@sofarrsogud

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

@briangaar

Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants

@BastardProphet

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

@KissabiX

[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?

@jonnysun

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

@sip_at_home_mom

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

@SoAnyway1

I get confused by Burqas. I accidentally posted a letter in a Muslim woman yesterday.

@ThatBrenna

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

@shadygeekdad

My father in law is one of those “deep sigh until someone asks what’s wrong” kind of women.