@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

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@theguydf

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

@JB4Realz

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

@DharBluee

Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl.

*wife returns from London*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂

@mishakey

Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”

@tedtheboi

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

@Social_Mime

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

@lazerdoov

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

@man_spach

I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.