last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
scrabbled eggs
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes