Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
incredible book dedication
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.