Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.
Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
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If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Prison Guard: “So you two cons are in love?”
Con2: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”
*in unison* “death sentences.”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
“BURN THE WITCH”
U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”
All of us: “That’s actually worse.”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”