@Kristen_Arnett

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

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@thejodiest

Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.

Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.

@Seinfeld2000

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

@SteveSuckington

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

@JumbledButts

Prison Guard: “So you two cons are in love?”

Con1: “Yes.”

Con2: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”

*in unison* “death sentences.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

@Reverend_Scott

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

@dmc1138

Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”

All of us: “That’s actually worse.”

@curiousteej

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

@Fred_Delicious

“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”