Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.