“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
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The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
so, is there a mister shapen head
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here