Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.

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With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.


I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.


The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”


If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over.


Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.


[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where


Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.


I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage