@BradBroaddus

Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.

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@Salsabeard

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

@hollywoodsigh

I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.

@NicestHippo

The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”

@DudeInABearSuit

If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over.

@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@AlexvanBeek

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

@MommaUnfiltered

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage