*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate