Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
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I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Netflix: We have Less
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*