Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
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Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Girl, I like you so much, I might even let you hold my phone….some day, while its locked
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Fear is not the same is respect. For instance I fear bears but integrity wise they are huge pieces of shit