@iAmDelFreaky

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

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@ObscureGent

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

@StashTheTash

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

@imagine_vegas

Girl, I like you so much, I might even let you hold my phone….some day, while its locked

@CArmanthegirl

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

@Kryzazy

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

@AndyAsAdjective

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

@rickygervais

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

@withanewname

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

@zachreinert03

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

@zachreinert03

Fear is not the same is respect. For instance I fear bears but integrity wise they are huge pieces of shit