Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier


Interviewer: “Do you have any hobbies?”

Moosehead on wall: “Ventriloquism”


The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.


I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!


Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you


Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”


infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here


I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.


Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread


me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol


Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before