Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Ok, but like, how married are you?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Smile they said.
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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law