[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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Interviewer: “Do you have any hobbies?”
Moosehead on wall: “Ventriloquism”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Lobsters gonna lobst.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before