dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
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I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Looking at you, Jesus.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”