Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this