@CAshmanActor

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

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@DaddyJew

My first day as a cat burglar,

Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this

Me: *hisses

@sofarrsogud

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

@bazecraze

The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.

@markleggett

1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.

@GuyBreakup

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

@Almighty_Smoot

Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool

@TheCatWhisprer

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

@doktorj

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

@SCbchbum

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

@leshnevsky

– Michelle, we must break up…
– Oh, I’ll kill myself!
– That’s a nice bonus. Thank you!