My first day as a cat burglar,
Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
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TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex
T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.
1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
– Michelle, we must break up…
– Oh, I’ll kill myself!
– That’s a nice bonus. Thank you!