me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.