Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏

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How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?


Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday


Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.


*Slides a five across the bar*

Bartender: Did you… Did you break this off our sign out front?

Me: (Confidently) tap water please.


In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.


WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.


7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?


I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato


*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.