@RauschJohn1

Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏

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@Lhlodder

6-year-old: Iโ€™m not cleaning my room.

Me: I donโ€™t like your tone.

6: What does โ€œtoneโ€ mean?

Me: I donโ€™t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* Iโ€™m not cleaning my room.

@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

@MaryJustice86

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, โ€œParanormal Activityโ€ with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

@rickolantern

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

@drinksmcgee

Her: So how did you get this scar?

*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu

Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu

@ianpauldukes

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

@squirrel74wkgn

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

@TheMichaelRock

According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.

*shrugs*

@Jandalize

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.