Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@jeff_ratfamily

I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving

@rachelle_mandik

most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you

@damakattack

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

@rogerbellin

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

@Moi_RaRa

Reasons Why us girls cry:

happy: 5%
sad: 5%

Who the hell knows!!: 90%

@BBQJones28

A closed mouth keeps it’s teeth.

@UncleBob56

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

@michaeljhudson

Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle
Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no
Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo

@TheAlexP

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

@birbigs

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.