Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.