My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
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Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I think I’m having a stroke
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe