My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Human are so complicated
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
How it started: How it’s going:
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.