Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years