Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
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“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
brian had himself a morning…
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I cannot stop laughing at this