Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones
Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard
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My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
-THAR SHE BLOWS
Does he REALLY have to be in here?
“My seeing-eye pirate? Yes”
But this is so intima-
“Fill the balloons, Susan”
I bought a toilet brush at the store the other day but it kind of hurts so I think I’ll go back to paper!
Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.
just found out today that monkeys don’t lay eggs. so what have i been buying on craigslist. what have i been eating