@Marcisgoinham

Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones

Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard

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@RdrJay47

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

@BrettDruck

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

@AbbieEvansXO

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

@Playing_Dad

Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: I didn’t know there was going to be a test at the end.

@david8hughes

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

@VodkaThursday

To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony

@jwoodham

Never look down on anyone. Unless you’re a lion cub named Simba and you’re being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.

@truegritrumble

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

@Lisabug74

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.