I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
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I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?