Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones

Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard

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[recording studio]
Producer: Um what’re you guys doing?
Singer: Ending the song
Producer: You don’t have to fade out. We’ll do that in here.


Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*


BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime

ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—

BRUCE: Bring me a cape


mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes


[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]


muppets have front facing eyes and are therefore predators


CUTE GIRL AT SCHOOL: wanna come study *bites lower lip* anatomy with me?

ME: nah, i’m not in that class this semester



*gets a snack*


*turns on tv*


*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*



“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.