Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
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Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I’m a bad influence on myself.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*