Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad