Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Yup.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.