Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
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When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat