Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
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jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Happy Thanksgiving
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still