I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.