Some of the nicest women you’ll meet on Twitter are men.

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GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win


[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.


Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen


Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It’s called Facebook.


Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!


Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?


[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though


No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.


[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles