“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
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Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
What’s this sorcery? 😂
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
me when i see my girls butt
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
So many pants.
So little yoga.