“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

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Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.


*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are


Fruitcake is like marriage. It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes them together into one thing that sucks.


Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.


A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.


Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.


Just ran around the house cheering because the Chopped chef’s dessert turned out even though he was way late to the ice cream machine. We miss sports.


My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.


banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball


HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine