@lisaxy424

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

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@TheOnion

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

@acidicjews

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

@AGreaterMonster

Fruitcake is like marriage. It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes them together into one thing that sucks.

@jctwritesstuff

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

@Book_Krazy

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

@ObscureGent

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

@simoncholland

Just ran around the house cheering because the Chopped chef’s dessert turned out even though he was way late to the ice cream machine. We miss sports.

@perlapell

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

@violinbug

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

@AndrewNadeau0

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine